Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
