There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
