Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We are two peas in an std pod
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
