my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
