Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
