Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We are all done wearing pants today
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
