Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize