This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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