i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
