I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
