If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
