Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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