dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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