Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
