you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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