Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My underwear smells like fireworks.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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