Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
