maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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