y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
