im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize