don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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