I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
