I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Damn victory sex feels great
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
