Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
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