I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
