Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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