Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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