She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
