the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize