stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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