this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
