hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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