i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize