Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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