dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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