I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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