Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
