Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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