I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
