i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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