you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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