I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
