Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
