Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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