I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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