I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
