Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
