im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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