Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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