my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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