my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
