PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
