I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
