I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
