One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
