worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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