I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
