I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
