thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
